First Fireside edition. Copyright 2005. Hard cover.
ISBN-13: 987-0-7432-7326-8

Introduction

Quick is good. Many self help books in my opinion have too many pages. This book contains some guiding principles and a few motivational stories to anchor them. The book hits the mark for me in this regard.

The book does not contain a step-by-step roadmap. It does include an online self assessment test to evaluate four areas: self awareness, ability to manage yourself, relationship awareness, ability to manage your relationships.

Following is a high level summary, and my notes in my own words except where "(direct quote...)" is indicated.

High level summary

Get to know your emotions. Face them, even when it's painful. Understand what causes them. The implication, though it may not be explicitly stated in the book, is that you can then work on your surroundings and situations to improve how you feel.

In your relationships, validate the other person's feelings. Try to understand what's behind them. If appropriate, help guide the other person to understand his feelings. Again, the implication is that both of you are then better equipped to improve the relationship.

One way to change your emotional reaction to a situation is to simply practice feeling the way you want to feel in the situation. Like anything else, you will learn by practice. Eventually it will become habit.

The individual

1. Emotional intelligence is about communication between the emotional and logical
   centers of your mind.

2. Need to experience an emotion repetitively, the same way one needs to practice
   an action, in order to make it a habit.

   • Suppress the urge to yell when you are angry, and over time the urge will
     go down.

   • Don't get annoyed by that darn dog.

3. Move into your feelings. Get to know them and eventually move through them.
   Lean into the discomfort.

4. Five base emotions: happy, sad, angry, afraid, ashamed.

5. Ask people who know you well to point out areas where you could improve.

6. Ask questions to understand what's going on with the other person. "Does this
   mean you're concerned about ...."

7. Share observations and ask if there is a better way the two of you can work on the
   situation in light of the information. Don't assume the observation is shared.
   Don't preach or play shrink.

8. It's harder to explain how you feel to someone who doesn't know you very well.

9. Being too direct may cause defensiveness.

10. Let people know if you care. A well thought out, accurate compliment can go a
    long ways. People like people who like them.

11. Going to the next level. Read people and take the time to make the right decision
    when it isn't black and white. First reaction may not be right. (Bum in the conference example. Should have called a break before calling security.)

12. Communication and conflict are mutually exclusive. One doesn't usually exist if
    the other does.

Emotional intelligence in the workplace

Discusses emotional intelligence of teams. Nothing stood out for me here. I would look to other texts on this topic.

Emotionally intelligent relationships at home

1. The determining factor in whether wives feel satisfied with sex, romance, and
   passion in their marriage is, by 70%, the quality of the couple's friendship. For
   men, the determining factor is, by 70%, the quality of the couple's friendship. So
   men and women come from the same planet after all. John Gottman, Ph.D. (direct
   quote, pg 141.)

2. In studies conducted at the University of Washington, Dr. John Gottman and his
   team of researchers have predicted future divorce with 93% accuracy by watching
   couples for only five minutes to see how often they repair their disagreements.
   Their predictions have held true a full fourteen years later. This research shows
   that how often a couple disagrees is irrelevant; it's the effort both partners make to
   resolve conflict amicably and repair a situation that influences the success of the
   relationship. (direct quote, pg 143.)

3. To repair a disagreement with your partner:

   • Take time to understand where your feelings are coming from.

   • Understand the issue from your partner's point of view.

Parenting

1. A parent can have the single greatest influence on her child's emotional
   intelligence.

2. Guide your child in understanding and responding to her emotions. Don't ask her
   not to have them. Validate them and talk with her about healthy responses to
   them.

3. Your children will learn, good or bad, from watching how you deal with your emotions.